Welcome to the mind of a Deviant soul

Mediation Experience: Past-Life 2 Civil War

September 6, 2007 at 7:52 pm (Guys in my life, Life, ME, Mediations, New Age, Personality, Random Thoughts, Religion)

Written May 31, 2007

Rated: Mature (Violent and Sexual nature)

  If I went to Gettysburg right now I could tell you where many soldiers stood and fell—bloody mess. I can still smell the sulfur from the gun power and still feel my stomach churn as I had to witness this horrible sight.

I was a female I think my real name was Abigail Marie Browser. My family was so deep in debt that we were in fear of losing the house and farm and all the many acres around it.

 So I cut my hair, got a physical from a local doctor, and I changed my name to John Thomas Smith. Then I enrolled myself into the Military. I was in the army and fighting for the North for the freedom of all men. My unit had no idea I as a girl as I was so thin from being poor that my breast weren’t fully develop and I was take cold showers after everyone else was done as they just thought I was shy. I would cut the inside of my thighs during my period so the men wouldn’t get suspicious. I busted my ass and trained as hard as any one of the men beside me. I felt I made have even trained harder and I always did what I told.

 I lived many of miles from Gettysburg.  My unit got to Gettysburg just a few days before the battle. The Generals discussed strategy night after night as the solider just marched and waited. Everyone was excited as they tried to hide their fear. They wanted to defeat the south as much as I wanted this to be done so I could get the money and go back home. We camped out in this patch of woods as I kept to myself mostly.

I snuck away to take a hike as I was terrified. As I was walking, I saw a huge oak tree and sat under it. I just allowed the tears to stream out as I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive the next few days. I was a woman, I was emotional, and couldn’t let the other men see this.

Then I heard a twig snapped, I quickly wiped and away my tears as I looked around. I jumped up quickly as I saw another solider; however he wasn’t in my unit. He walked around to face as he was young with a darker complexion. He had a cigarette in his mouth as he offered me one. I took one although I had never smoked before. He lit the cigarette for me and then we sat down again the tree together. I had no idea what to do with the cigarette as I just let it burn, if I let it burn I would okay, just with an occasional couch. He said his name was Bradley J Mitchell. He tried to get me to talk; I accidentally inhaled and began to choke. He just laughed at he realized I never smoked.  I almost stated my real name, but I stopped choking just long enough to say John Smith and then continue to choke. He laughed even harder as he asked me if I didn’t smoke than why I took the cigarette. I explained I made be dead to tomorrow, and it wouldn’t be from smoking a cigarette. I was told tobacco calms one’s nerves.

We talked for a while as I almost forgot we were going into battle in the morning. We told stories of the places we lived. He made me laughed as hours moved fast. I was exhausted as my conscious was blurred Something made me believe it was okay to trust this guy, so out of native stupidity I told Bradley I was a female as he confessed he was a spy for the north.

He invited me back to his tent, as next thing I remember we were kissing each other and ripping clothes off. We weren’t attracted to each other, but it was dangerous lust that drew us into animalistic sex. I had no idea what I was doing as I was completely pure and innocent. I just let the hormone take control. My body quaked and trembles in pleasurable wave after another as he entered gently. Then he started to get rough as he plodded himself hard and deep within me. I told him no, but he was in the middle. He put her over my head as he banged me so hard I got bruises on my back from the plowing me into the ground. I cried myself to sleep in pain.

I woke up the next morning to a single gun shot and trumpets sounding. Bradley was gone as I rushed to get all of my clothes back on. I ran as I was looking for my general. I catch my breath just before I talk as I requested to see Bradley Mitchell. He looked at me as if I have lost it as he explained there was no man by that in any of the units. I just realized he gave me a false name, as he wasn’t a spy for the North. He was to spy on the North. My face fell from confusion to pure panic as my general then gave me a gun and put me in the front lines.

Now I had a new mission on my mind that was to kill this man when I saw him. I can’t let s secret like a woman was fighter for the North get to the South. It was humiliate the units, especially mine. They would be devastated and even worst I may not get money for my family if they knew.

Now mission wasn’t about the Civil War for the North, but it was a Civil war for myself. The heat surrounded me as death was everywhere as there was this smell of blood mixed with sulfur. Like a wolf, I loaded my gun and fired at the zooming bullets I had no idea who or what I had hit or if I hit anything at all. There were bloody bodies lying on the ground beneath my feet waiting for the white light to come and take them away. I had to hop over dying bodies one second, and dodge bullets the next.

Millions of things were running through my head: Will Live to tell this tale? What is this fight really over? Will I get out of debt soon? Will I ever get married? Will I find Brad (if that is his real name)? Will he tell everyone my secret? Does everyone already know? Did I kill anyone? Am I wrong? Will I go to Hell?

Finally after running completely unfocused, I trip, and I hit the ground as my gun got stuck barrel first into the ground. My splashed into a puddle of mud and blood as I looked to see it was Bradley lying there with a fatal wound. He mumbled the words “I’m sorry” before he closed his eyes for the last time. I had so many things running through my head as I had no idea whether I should have been relieved, depressed, glad, or scared as I was probably all four emotions.

I got another solider to help me carry his move to the side as we got a doctor to get proper time of death for death certificate. While I was waiting for the death certificate I meant Dr. Andrew Hart. He had me wait a minute as he was helping out an injured man. While I was waiting, someone assumed I was nurse and asked me for help. I grabbed a sponge as cleaned the wounded arm as I was waiting. Then I took some medicine and bandaged it up as Dr. Hart was watching me. He knew I wasn’t a certified nurse, but realized he was going to need some help, so I decided I would work under him as he trained me. I agreed at I didn’t want to go back out on the bloody field.

Dr. Hart used me with everything, and I only threw up after the first ten surgeries I had to assist on. He had assumed I was a medicinal or science student as I learned so quickly.  The days were so busy that they felt like years, but since we spent every moment together we learned about each and became to trust one another rather quickly.

I was taking a shower after a surgery one day as Dr. Hart walked in. He was discussing something about prepping me for some of the tests to get my certified. I was scared as I hadn’t told him yet I was female. I was bleeding from the monthly cycle. He asked if I was okay as he saw the blood flow down the drain. I said yes I was fine I just cut my leg. He walked into shower to see as he realized I was a woman. He wanted to know the whole story. Then h pinned me to the shower wall as he slid himself inside of me. He thrust himself inside me a few times as he grunted and moaned as he grabbed my ass. Then he said something that it had been several years since he had a girl. He pulled out as I bled heavier down the drain. He had me get out of the shower as he wanted me to take a walk with him and explain my story.

He took me to a secret spot in the in the woods as there was this old abandoned cave. He made a fire, and he had me explain my story. Then He had me drink some of his whisky as he knew I was nervous. He explained that he’ll train me and get me certified so I can bring home a bigger pay check. He also promised to protect me as long as I don’t tell anyone else I am a female. I agreed as he kissed me vigorously taste the whisky on my tongue. He knew that I was on my cycle, but he got us both undressed and had sex with me anyway just leaving a puddle of blood where I had lied.

The war was harsh on the men as most of them hadn’t seen women for weeks, sometimes months at a time. Whenever they would have an encounter with a woman, they would take well advantage of the moment. Dr Hart knew I was all his as long as he kept a close eye on me. He loved the fact that since I was under his training, I was always available as his personal stress release. He gave me some doses of a hormone so that I wouldn’t become pregnant as we made it a daily ritual to go the cave.

I would watch over his treated patient and if I too friendly, he would have the sex rougher, but if I was cold hearted, then he would be passionate. He created me into a bitch just to heard him say “I love you,” some nights. As I was becoming more of bitch to everyone else, I gain more affection for him.

We had this secret relationship going on for several weeks as no one had any idea. I was about to take the tests for certification when female nurse were a lot to work on the field now. As he kept me busier with test related stuff, we saw each other in the cave less and less.

I would remind him of our study meetings, but he would give me endless, meaningless chores to like sweep a dirt floor. After a while I realize he had another female nurse who he was taking to the cave, and wasn’t emotionally bonding with me at all. He also stopped giving me the extra hormones. While he was a break, I faked a stomach crap as I followed him and another nurse out to the cave where he was fucking her. He had me have sex with him and her in exchange that he wouldn’t tell anyone I wasn’t certified yet.

A week later after getting sick three mornings in a row, I realized I was pregnant. However only a few days after that I had gotten a fever and lost the baby. Just a short while after I lost the baby, I had gotten into a depression, and Dr. Hart told the patient the nurse and patient not to mess with as he was afraid someone else would flirt with me. I told the final test, but I fail 2 out of 5 and it would another several weeks before I could take them again. Dr. Hart made me feel isolated and verbally abused as he trapped me with my secret and would threaten me if I didn’t have sex with him and other females.  I just desperately wanted to go home. He mentally abused me, physically invaded me, and emotional drained me as it gave him more control. I felt like I was nothing.

Once day I ran up the cave as Dr. Hart looked frantically for me. I was going to slice my wrists, but he caught me just in time. I said I wasn’t meant for him, and that he didn’t love me. He explained that the other nurse didn’t mean anything in fact he just had sex with them to prove my love to me.  He said the right words so my mind would work against me. Then he said I love you again, and actually made love to me.

However it was worst after that as his main goal was keeping me studying so he could never see me and fucking even more girls. He even screwed a female nurse who was sick in bed. He used my secrets against me and then no matter how I was feeling me made have sex with him if I had refused he would threaten to kill me himself.  I just stayed alive to make sure my family was out debt.

 By the time the war end and my time was served, I went home mentally damaged, physically drained, and psychological changed for the worst. I wasn’t the same. It wasn’t from the war itself, but from the ay men had devoured me creating me into en empty shell as I felt useless and worthless. The day that I knew my family didn’t owe any more money I put myself in a mental institution and got help and then I took the last two tests and become e doctor.

On a side Note: In this current life time I have man that reminds me of Dr Hart and the guy that reminds me of Bradley.

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