Candle light the mist of dark depression
Aug 24, 2007
I got a part time job today, which is good, because I’ve been looking.
This way, I will still have time to work on my writings. I have to go I have many errands to do.
Men Problems Part 2: What do I want?
I’m looking for a long term boyfriend.
50 miles within North Ridgeville (The Closer the better, I want to be with him at least once a week or more)
Ages 21-35 (ages 18-21 and 35-39 would be considered certain circumstances I will not touch guys under 18 or older than 40)
I also don’t mind if the guy is divorced, but I do not want a guy with kids. (I have a heart for kids, but I want to have a life and be able to go out and have adult fun. I also learn if you a relationship with a guy with kids, you are also having a relationship with those kids. I am not looking to be a wife and mother yet. I just want a boyfriend.) I
’m looking for someone who is. . .
Decent or real I want someone who is real, no fake charm just to get me into bed. I want a guy who isn’t afraid to be himself.
Intelligent They don’t have to be a working on their masters in college, but I don’t want every conversation to be about the weather or sports. I like arts, writings, movies, music, and so many other things that we could discuss.
Funny If you could make me laugh, you pretty much have me. If you’re not a comedian, as you know how to laugh at life. I don’t want someone that is so serious that they miss out on the great things in life.
Understanding: I just a new job, so I can’t be by the phone 24/7, so I need to understand. I have to have a job to pay my own bills as I don’t need a man just pay my own bills. I am an independent woman.
Sensitive I like the romance, and cuddling. I want a guy to hold me and take me out. I want a guy who has feelings and isn’t a heartless animal in a male body.
Constant (I want a guy who is constant and real. I mean don’t call me like three times a day seven days a week if you’re not always going to do that. I don’t like patterns, because I get comfortable, and they get tired and break the damn pattern.I’ve also had a few of those guys who want me to the beckon call, but hell no. I’m not a rag doll for what they want. I’ve also had my native moments of believe that all guys are trust worthy.)
Passionate He has to have hopes and dreams or at least interesting hobbies. I want him to excite to explain something to me. I love to learn so I want him to able to teach his interests. I also like a guy who can write and read poetry and be romantic.
A kid at heart I want someone is mature, but someone who cause still have fun. Someone I could play bowling, darts, pool, putt-putt, or Cedar Point. I also like to go out to a nice restaurant or stay in and watch a movie cuddling into a pillow fight.
A high sex drive I will not lie: sex feels really good as I like as much as the next person, but I NOT want empty sex. I want passion, and love behind it. I want in a committed relationship with one guy, NOT every other night with several guys that I barely remember.
There just three things when it comes to looks:
No facial hair but there has to be hair on his head
Medium built
There has to be a spark in his eye.
I honestly don’t believe that too much to ask for.
My own Men Spell
I wish for my dream guy
From A to Z
And Z to A
May you please grant my wish today?
I would like a guy who is ambitious with hopes and dreams
I want my (Teddy) Bear to be more than just fleshy seams.
May he want to cuddle and hold me . . .
As he is the man of my dreams:
Creative and direct as he may be
May he have inspiration to be expressive freely
As I am in his heart, may he be faithful
And may he give his love as he calls me beautiful.
As he is a giver,
may he not be too proud to
Be a taker too
I want him to laugh with me in his humorous ways
As he could laugh at least once a day
May all his humor cure all his decays . . .
May his intelligence help others . . .
As he may someday want to be a father
Chemistry between two people
Only comes along once a blue moon.
May our joining forces unite chemistry— Of love, trust, and security
And may it come soon.
I truly desire a man who is kissable, lovable
And is someone who wants to make a fuss over me
I want someone who spend time with me
Doing something or nothing and still be happy. I
want someone healthy, normal and friendly
Someone who could speak his mind
And still be funny
Without offending
somebody I desire someone who is honest and open
And who likes to express his feelings
Someone I can talk to for hours nonstop
And he’ll still find me appealing.
I want my princely knight to take me away
And to quietly remind me why exactly I want to live
As he wants to love me for me
And allow me to give. In a fight or conflict,
I want him to defend his side
But may he quietly, (calmly) fight as he makes his point
Without flesh having to collideIt’s okay for my baby
To debate passionately with eyes of pride
I want security, protection and trust
That’s why a reliable guy is a must.
I want my honeyTo be sexy (exciting
)And for the girls look (not touch)
As it may keep me on my toes
It’s all okay as long as he comes home (to me).
I bless my man with talented outlets
As he his is tuneful (musical)
So he may shine
Through his expressive soul
May he be understanding and inviting
To many nights cuddling at home
Or be up to a vigorous trip
Always being ready to be on the go
As I want to travel
And just be with him
May his wonderful attitude
Always stay with him I hope
his extra lucky and youthful heart keeps beating
That beautiful melodic piece of art
As a wish, I hope is trueI hope he has a heart of child
And lots of zeal in his spirit too
As these hope and desires
Are from my heart
I pray that this man may exist
And he fine me as a living piece of art A to Z
Z to A
I wish for health
I wish to play I wish for a life
With someone
And moreI wish for:My better half
My piece missing in my core
As Pray to the North, East, South and west
May he come to me?
I pray to all
Let it be.
- Ambitious
- (Teddy) Bear
- Creative
- Direct
- Expressive
- Faithful
- Giver/Taker
- Humorous
- Intelligence
- Joining forces
- Kissable
- Lovable
- Makes a fuss over me (spoils me)
- Normal
- Open (honest)
- Princely Knight
- Quiet in anger
- Reliable
- Sexy (exciting)
- Tuneful (musical)/ Talented
- Understanding
- Vigorous (on the go)
- Wonderful
- Extra Lucky
- Youthful (kid at heart)
- Zeal (Spiritual)
List: Things I’ve wanted to do UPDATED
Things I wanted to do but don’t have the guts (written 2005)
Add on 2007
I wanted to . . .
Flash someone
Go skinning dipping
Dance in public
Dance in the rain
Have another conversation like I did on 8/12/05
Ask a guy outKiss a random cute guy
Have a guy lay his head between my breasts (I’ve heard that’s a comfortable spot)
Have sexHave sex in a car
Have sex in a public place
Have sex during church (condemn me to Hell now!)
Tell my parents off
Move away without telling everyone
Walk around my house shirtless
Walk around my house naked
Be more liberal
Paid for a guy’s beer
Own my own house
Have my own car
Have my driver’s license
Have a really rich boyfriend
Have a friend with benefits *wink*
Be on a chocolate diet (And actually lose weight)
Lose at least 50lbs
Steal a car (Without getting caught- I’m a bad influence I know)
Take a really hot guy away from this skinny chick
Own a hotel chain (With recording studios built in.)
Walk in the middle of street while there were cars coming
Tell a guy to his face I’m horny and I’m want him now
Travel over 1000 miles for really good sex. (It was 300 miles)
Start a fight and watch the other chick go off to jail
Have my own place.
Have my own car. (Note: Paid and manage by me: not a hand me down.)
Have a “rainy day” stash of money
Buy something I can wear that’s designer
Wake up to a guy kissing me
Have a guy spoil me with nothing sexual in return
Be romanced (Candle light, bath, flowers dancing etc.)
Tickle and cuddle with a guy without sexual tension
Write another stage play
Finish at least 3 out of 10 of my scripts within the year
Publish at least one novel under my own name
Publish a book of poetry
Fine a guy who fits my personality (someone who can put up with me)
Have someone throw me a surprise party (preferably on my Birthday)
Go to Disney World or Land with my boyfriend (before marriage or kids of my own, so I can still act like a kid.)
Own a chain of coffee shops
Get the guts to sky dive
Sky dive
Have a friendship with a guy and have it turn into a relationship without it ruining the friendship
Get my scripts put on the “big screen”
Learn patience
Learn independence
To bake for my boyfriend
Not to have kids until I’m at least 29
Find a guy my age for an activity partner: Movies, music, darts, bowling, putt-putt
To score at least 200 in a game of bowling
To find a guy who will take care of me when I’m sick
Learn self-control
Learn self-discipline
Learn self-motivation
Be financially secure
That’s all I got so far.
Hopes, dreams etc UPDATED
I had posted these on another blog, but it was getting harder to get into that site, and no one was reading them. So I decided to update a few of the blog and repost them with happened, and why I thinking something positive happened when I usually get the shitty end of the deal. There are many ideas I want to see happen in my life.
I want to find a job where I can express myself as an artist and a person.
I want to be happy with what I do.
I want to finish my bachelor degree in English.
I want to buy and pay for my own car. . . I want something to call mine. This also includes facing my fear and getting my driver’s license.
I want to live on my own for a while for I even think of getting married.
I want to learn independence, and self-control. Maybe live in an apartment so I don’t have to worry about mowing the grass.
I want some if not all of my writings published, and maybe a few scripts on the big screen.
I want to travel and live life first.
Then down the road I want to find my Mr. Right, get married and then have a house, kids, and maybe a dog and cat.
Most people want that, right?
I want to see if I’ve had the gut, the courage, the endurance, and the determination to ever have kids of my own.
I want a house for my family, but it had to have some trails for hiking, and swings.
I love swings, but not squeaky swing, but nice swings.
I want a huge kitchen for cooking and baking.
I want a huge front room with beautiful and a baby grand piano.
I want a huge pool and hot tub.
I want my own recording studio for my music and a den for my writing.
Nah, I don’t want that much, huh? Now I realize it doesn’t matter if I have all that stuff. All that matters is that I’m with my future husband, and our future family is happy, healthy, safe and care for. (Just as my life sucks and I’m impatient and native: I let that guy go. I made this list when I was going old with a great guy with a huge dark side. Its okay, he’s happier with someone else. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I just want to the people in my life, even the ones who are only there for a season to be happy.)
A few other blogs
July 20, 2007
The day I swear I had a nervous breakdown: actually it was Wednesday night . . . Tears came out of nowhere and I was frustrated, exhausted, and completely depressed.
My family thought it was my blood pressure that caused my sleeping from 4:30 pm to 10pm on Wednesday, but I’ll be honest it was depression. I have had many sleeping problems because of my depression. I either don’t sleep at all or I sleep too much, which really screws up my babysitting schedule.
I wrote 12 pages in my diary, I actually finished that diary, so I need a new one. That diary is nothing, but 5 months of frustrations.
I need to let my past go.
I need to get a job.
I need to get a car, and I need to get on with my life.
When will I get my life back on track?
I’m trying to work on a novel . . . no wait three novels.
I am also trying to organize my life and all of my writings . . . that’s a laugh.
Yesterday, I was a little better; my family on father’s side actually sat down and watched a movie together.
I also wrote almost ten pages of this novel I have to finish. I believe finishing this novel will really close some chapters in my life. It’s untitled, but it’s what I call my haunted novel. (Long story, but I’ll write in the next blog.)
My brothers also want me to write a story for them with dragons in it. I have a bunch of ideas. Well, I am getting better very, very slowly.
Here is some history behind the characters of the novel.
Guy1: I’ve had witnessed a lot of violence in my past and all of the monsters who cause it were men. (I’m surprised I’m still attracted to men with as much violence as I’ve seen.)
Guy 2: I was in some legal trouble with a guy who thought he was all that and a bag of chips. He’s really empty bag of chips being run over on the high way. Every girl wanted him and guy bad boy wanted to hang out with him. He’s the only guy I know that could cause a crime and not get punished for it.
Guy3: I had a guy in my life who unbelievably sweet. At first he treated me like a queen, and then he got me into doing stuff that hurt myself. For months I had people tell me to get out the relationship it wasn’t healthy, I would snap at them. I was way too head over heals to break up, and I honestly thought he was just going through a rough phase in his life, and soon he would return to that guy would treated me like a queen. It never happened. After one awesome month and four pain caused months, I broke up with him. It was the hardest thin I had to do, because he was first boyfriend and honestly the first guy I’ve ever loved. He never let me have closure.
Okay now that you know the history. I’ll explain the haunted story of this novel. I created those three guys in a story. It meant to be a short story, but as I got detailed and I created more things to happen it began to be a novel. I felt that if I complete this novel that I could have closure with some aspects, issues, and certain people of my life.
I started the Novel in January of 2007 while finishing up my Associates of Arts. I was a full time college student during the day, and working this novel in between homework at night. By the April of 2007 I had 13 out 20 chapters completed (hand written) in which 10 chapter where actually typed.
My novel had become a part of me, until another guy walked into my life. This guy was sweet, just like the others, and he was head over heals for me. He would call me like five times a day, just to see how I was doing . . . apart of me was a annoyed, but the another piece of me was flattered by this. His only two flaws was he was overly religious and not open to all of what a relationship had to offer (keeping this PG rated.) As I was getting brain washed again by his religious ways, I thought I was story was wrong and in some ways a form of revenge. (See this is what happens when a guy and religion brain wash you’re head, you think that certain things are wrong when they are not.) I actually got rid of my story.
Then after a really good month that guy too just didn’t seem to care. . . all he wanted was his very expensive car, and his unrealistic job which he hasn’t gone to school for. I went from being number 1 to number zero really fast in his life. I had no guy and no story.
I after stalking for like a day . . . the story came to me in dreams. I remember taking a walk and seeing my story play out in my head. As I was trying to work another story my old novel kept replaying like a favorite movie you watch over and over again. I realize my story was haunting me. . . so now I am determine to rewrite this story, I will finish it, and it will be better than the first version.
